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| The Need to Feel Special |
From the time Jennifer was a little child, she demanded attention, especially from her mother, Sarah. Jennifer had a special place in the family as the baby and the only girl with two older brothers. She made sure to establish a special relationship with her mother, who relished the connection since she didn't have much of a relationship with her emotionally distant husband.
It was easy for Jennifer to control her mother's attention. Because her mother was needy for emotional connection and afraid of not being liked, all Jennifer had to do was get angry at her mother, and Sarah would capitulate, giving Jennifer the attention she craved. Jennifer learned early to control her mother by becoming angry, critical, and withholding love when she didn't do what she wanted. Unwittingly, Sarah contributed to Jennifer's neediness, entitlement issues, and the belief that happiness depended on approval and attention from others.
In her late 30s, Jennifer finds herself continuing the pattern she started with her mother – attaching to others in needy and demanding ways. The result is she has not been able to have a successful relationship with any of the men she has dated.
We all need to feel special. It is not the need that is dysfunctional; it is how we get the need met that can be either dysfunctional or healthy. It is dysfunctional when we make others responsible for making us feel special. When others have to give us attention, compliment us, seek us out, and attend to our wants and needs for us to feel special, our behavior is dysfunctional.
HEALTHY SPECIAL-NESS
You will stop pulling on others to make yourself memorable only when you accept the full responsibility of making yourself feel special. This means learning to give yourself all that you may be trying to get from others treating yourself in the loving ways you desire from others. There are many ways of making ourselves feel special. Instead of trying to get others to give you what you want, you can:
TAKE EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY:
- Attend to your feelings throughout the day and explore what you may be doing that is causing painful emotions, rather than making others responsible for your senses.
- Attend to your own needs rather than expecting others to meet your needs.
- Accept yourself rather than judge yourself. Validate yourself, approve of yourself tell yourself the things you want to hear from others. Value your talents and gifts.
- Value your intrinsic worth rather than just your looks or performance your kindness, compassion, creativity, caring.
- Behave in ways that you value loving, kind, integrons, compassion, understanding, caring.
- Pursue work you love, work that fulfills you, if possible.
TAKE PHYSICAL RESPONSIBILITY:
- Feed yourself well to maintain health and appropriate weight.
- Get enough rest and exercise.
- Create a balance between work and play and creative time.
- Make sure you are physically safe such as when riding a motorcycle.
TAKE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY:
- Make sure you are financially independent rather than dependent upon another if physically able to do so.
- Spend within your means to avoid the fear and stress of debt.
TAKE RELATIONSHIP RESPONSIBILITY:
- Stand up for yourself and speak your truth rather than complying, defending, or resisting in the face of others' demands or criticism. Don't be a victim.
- Refrain from blaming others, with anger and criticism, for your feelings and behavior. Don't be a victim.
TAKE ORGANIZATIONAL RESPONSIBILITY:
- Do what you say you are going to do regarding time and chores.
- Make sure your living space and work environment are clean, tidy, and esthetically pleasing.
TAKE SPIRITUAL RESPONSIBILITY:
- Take the time to connect with the love and truth of God/Higher Power.
- Take time throughout the day to bring the love down to the level of your feeling self your Inner Child.
Treating yourself in these loving ways will eventually result in feeling internally special rather than needing others to make you feel special.
As Jennifer practiced making herself memorable, she discovered that her relationships with others became more robust and more fulfilling. Her behavior naturally and gradually changed when she treated herself as a particular person. People were no longer pulling away from her, resisting her, or defending themselves against her demands for attention.
Photo: https://pixabay.com
